Somewhere in this world Ryan's organs are helping someone live a full and healthy life. His heart is beating in someones chest. His lungs are breathing life into someone who couldn't breath before without a struggle. His right kidney is filtering toxins out of someones body. His left kidney is doing the same in my body. Thanks to my son's gift I am healthier  than I have been in years. His pancreas and liver saved two other lives as well. Because of Ryan's gifts of life I have found some peace..even if it is just a little. I still grieve..I still hurt... I still want him here.. but at least I have the comfort of knowing a piece of my son  lives on. Fulfilling someones dreams even if not his own. I wonder if they know the pain he endured in his last days and what a special and kind person he was. The sacrifice he made. If I could speak to them I would say... live life and enjoy every moment....take special care in the gift you have been given....don't take anything for granted....his life had meaning and purpose. Ryan would be happy to know he was able to help someone else. That is what he did in this life as well as the afterlife. My son my Hero...I had 20 precious years with the privilege of being his mom. He was the greatest young man I had ever known.

To Remember Me - I will live forever Robert N. Test  

The day will come when my body will lie upon a white sheet neatly tucked under four corners of a mattress located in a hospital; busily occupied with the living and the dying. At a certain moment a doctor will determine that my brain has ceased to function and that, for all intents and purposes, my life has stopped. 

When that happens, do not attempt to instill artificial life into my body by the use of a machine. And don't call this my deathbed. Let it be called the bed of life, and let my body be taken from it to help others lead fuller lives. 

Give my sight to the man who has never seen a sunrise, a baby's face or love in the eyes of a woman. Give my heart to a person whose own heart has caused nothing but endless days of pain.
Give my blood to the teenager who was pulled from the wreckage of his car, so that he might live to see his grandchildren play.
Give my kidneys to the one who depends on a machine to exist from week to week.
Take my bones, every muscle, every fiber and nerve in my body and find a way to make a crippled child walk.
Explore every corner of my brain.
Take my cells, if necessary, and let them grow so that, someday a speechless boy will shout at the crack of a bat and a deaf girl will hear the sound of rain agianst her window.
Burn what is left of me and scatter the ashes to the winds to help the flowers grow.
If you must bury something, let it be my faults, my weakness and all prejudice against my fellow man.
Give my sins to the devil.
Give my soul to God.

If, by chance, you wish to remember me, do it with a kind deed or word to someone who needs you. If you do all I have asked, I will live forever. 

Robert N. Test

THE CORD....

The pain comes in waves...it is always with me but the intensity ebbs and flows like the ocean. A song I hear or a face in the crowd that even remotely resembles my son and I am again stricken by unbearable grief. I am forever changed...my life will always consist of before Ryan's death and after Ryan's death.Losing a child is the worst possible hell one can go through.

On my mantel there is a Photo of Ryan...His donate Life hat...Two Silk Butterflies from his funeral...A Plate that says 'I Love You Mom' that he made me in 1st grade and a Box filled with his ashes. Inside me I carry  the kidney he donated to me in his death. These things besides my memories are all I have left of my precious boy. People have been so kind and have comforted me in my pain. I know Ryan is grateful for that because right before he died he asked me a million times if I was going to be okay. It was as if he wanted permission to let go of his pain and suffering. So for Ryan.. my daughter and husband and grandchildren I have to be okay.

But how do I do that? Someone tell me. There is no magic wand and time will not heal. The only thing more heartbreaking than seeing your child suffer is watching them die.
                             

We are connected,
My child and I, by
An invisible cord
Not seen by the eye.

It's not like the cord
That connects us 'til birth
This cord can't been seen
By any on Earth.

This cord does it's work
Right from the start.
It binds us together
Attached to my heart.

I know that it's there
Though no one can see
The invisible cord
From my child to me.

The strength of this cord
Is hard to describe.
It can't be destroyed
It can't be denied.

It's stronger than any cord
Man could create
It withstands the test
Can hold any weight.

And though you are gone,
Though you're not here with me,
The cord is still there
But no one can see.

It pulls at my heart
I am bruised...I am sore,
But this cord is my lifeline
As never before.

I am thankful that God
Connects us this way
A mother and child
Death can't take it away!

                  

Loss, Heartache,Love ,Strength..

I realize it has been a while since I blogged but so much has happened in my life I have not been able to focus on anything. I have actually had to remind myself to just breathe. My sons illness was first and foremost in my thoughts and everything I have done these past few months. Sadly he lost his battle with Chiari Malformation on August 11th.  The pain I feel is unbearable at times...everywhere I go everything I do is a painful reminder of what I have lost. It is true that nothing compares to the heartache of losing a child. I have not even begun to process everything that has happened. You see... the whole time my son was ill my husbands mental health suffered. Over several weeks he became quiet and  withdrawn completely shutting out his family. Then it happened...while our son was in the hospital this last time my daughter and I came home and found my husband in the garage. He had violently tried to commit suicide. He simply could not handle the pain of watching our son suffer any longer. Not getting any answers from Ryans  doctors as to why he was so sick, trip after trip to the ER just to be told there was nothing wrong with him. My husband felt helpless to help our son. They simply did not know enough about Chiari to treat it properly. I am not letting them get away with this if it takes the rest of my life. Ryan had become so weak and could no longer walk and was having seizures almost everyday. His doctors denied he was having seizures because they were not considered epileptic. Although in fact it was a seizure that caused his death and herniated his brain stem crushing his spinal column. I was by his side when it happened and it was very quick. Ryan was pronounced brain dead. My husband was fighting for his own life and we did not know if he would make it. I have never felt so alone in my life.He remains in the hospital and has a lot of work ahead of him to hopefully recover physically and mentally. Sadly he could not even attend Ryan's funeral.

After Ryan's death we were told he had signed his organ donor card. I remember a while back him coming home and being so proud to tell me. It was extremely important to him because he had watched me suffer for years with kidney failure. He wanted so much to donate his kidney to me but I was fearful he would someday inherit my illness. Ryan donated all of his organs. His heart,liver, lungs ,skin ,pancreas. And one of his kidneys went to me! So many people were saved and lives made better because of my son's generosity. I find some comfort in that fact. Having the surgery so soon after Ryan's death was a hard decision. But one I don't regret making because Ryan wanted  so badly for me to be well. We talked about it so much and made plans to go to the beach when we both were well. Our favorite place in the whole world. Now I will be taking my son's ashes to the beach...

his final resting place. I will also be his voice for Chiari and work to raise awareness so no one has to suffer the way my son did. I will advocate for organ donation as well. The legacy he left behind will be with us always.

I love you Ryan. You are missed everyday by all of us...Sissy,Glen,Hunter,Grayson,Hailey,Genero,Dad and Me.

Hero needed..

It has been a long week. While most people were celebrating the 4th of July with their loved ones my husband and I spent 2 whole days in the er with our son. Still sick and throwing up from his chiari surgery last Monday he became so weak he could not move and his arms went numb. The er doctors checked his shunt for blockages (there were none) and gave him a bag of IV fluid and anti nausea medicine. He continued to throw up even with the pills and on Wednesday morning he had his first seizure. He collapsed and we had to call an ambulance. They put him on anti-seizure meds,gave him a bag of fluids and glucose and sent him home again. Last night while throwing up he blacked out on the bathroom floor twice. He has a doctor appointment on Tuesday and I am going to insist that he be re-admitted to the hospital. When your child is sick it is so hard to concentrate on anything else other than getting them well again. I feel so helpless as to where to turn now. I feel as though the doctors are not listening to us. They just shake their heads and say this is uncommon but happens sometimes with chiari. NOT ACCEPTABLE!

I really need to be strong and healthy so I can be here for my son. I urgently need a kidney donor and now more than ever! Please, if anyone reading this is interested contact Vanderbilt Transplant and give them my name, they will instruct you on how to proceed with the testing. Please help me live so I can take care of my son. Thank you for all the prayers.

Dealing with a chronic illness of any kind is demanding and life changing. I can handle the effects of my own illness and have been doing just that for many years. I continue to wait for my transplant,my potential donor is unable to donate at this time and may never be able to. It is my son and his diagnosis of Chiari Malformation that is foremost on my mind at the moment. He is still having a lot of problems even after all the surgery and everything he has gone through. The decompression and shunt has not relieved any of his symptoms and the doctors cannot give me any straightforward answers.  I am one upset mama right now and am going to battle for my son. We are just now learning how devastating CM is for many patients. Unfortunately Ryan is one of the 25% of  those who do not do well after the surgery.Many prayers are needed right now for my son and also for me to stay strong.

Not much happening in way of getting a kidney transplant any time soon. We have hit a snag. My cousin who has gone through a good part of the tests to be my donor has been ill and unable to complete the final testing. We have been informed by the transplant team that because both his mother and mine (sisters) had diabetes he could be ineligible to donate. Still,as soon as he is feeling better he is going to go ahead and try anyway. I am just taking it a day at a time. Besides, I am concentrating on my son right now,while trying to stay as healthy as possible. I have learned a lot about Ryan's diagnosis of Chiari and it has not been as easy a recovery as I thought it would be. I now know there is no cure for CM and is a debilitating illness. The shunt that was placed to drain his cerebral spinal fluid needs ongoing adjustments and is only working half the time.He is in tremendous pain a lot of the time and I am not sure what our next step will be until his  doctors appointment next week. I have to be completely honest and admit that lately I have been so angry and have been asking God why? I am ashamed to admit that some days I have very little faith. But then I realize that God has been with me through it all and pulled me through some really scary moments. I don't know how I would have made it this far without believing in Him. Even though my faith is weak I believe God will strengthen me. 

 The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. (Isaiah 40:28-31)

My son Ryan..

My son has been ill. Mother's Day he woke up with a major headache...the worst headache of his life. My healthy strong 19 year old son who was never sick a day in his young life. Two weeks prior he had headaches off and on. I thought it was an allergy or migraine,after all his sister suffers with them once in a while. I told him he needed to get more sleep,eat better. But here he was...laying on the bathroom floor..in terrible pain,throwing up,barely able to stand. Then he said his neck hurt. My first thought was meningitis as his sister looked it up on the computer. He seemed to have a lot of the symptoms. I knew this was serious. My husband and I rushed him into the car and headed to the ER. He could hardly stand the ride there and cried in pain at every bump in the road. When we reached the ER he totally collapsed at the door. The next thing I remember they were rushing him back to a very tiny room and putting an IV in his arm. After many questions from the doctor he said "Probably a severe migraine but I want to do a CT scan to make sure". After the scan the doctor came into the room and this time he was not smiling..he closed the door behind him and sat down. We see a "mass" on Ryan's brain,it's rather large..but we can't tell what type of "mass' until we do an MRI. All I heard was "large mass". Oh my God,I thought how could this be? It was 3 am and they were whisking him away for an MRI and the neurosurgery team was notified. They told me...20 minutes and we will know. The longest 20 minutes of my life. I could not understand why this was happening ..life could not be this cruel..this was my baby! Finally..the doctors came in and gave us the news. It was not a tumor but a Chiari malformation. Chiari malformation is an abnormality in the lower part of the brain... the cerebellum. the part of the brain that controls coordination and muscle movement. My son's brain was being squeezed and pushed into his spinal column.He also had hydrocephalus..water on the brain.

My son was placed in ICU and for three and half weeks he was so sick..he had two major brain surgeries and stopped breathing after the first one and was placed on a ventilator. My daughter wrote a post on facebook..
.I'm sitting here watching my baby brother breathe by way of breathing tube, completely sedated, head shaved, arms restrained, tubes covering his frail body. Why, why, why is he having to go through this? I don't want to hear that this is somehow "god's" plan. I don't want the doctors to tell me that they're just not sure why his body is reacting this way. I want my baby brother back. I want to drive down the road and punch him because I saw a punch buggy and have him laugh at my girlie hit. I want to stay up late together watching the dorky science documentaries that only he and I appreciate. I want him to give me one of his big hugs and say, "I love you sissy.". Maybe I'm weak, but I just can't stand seeing him like this.
I understood her..it's so hard seeing someone you love suffer. As a mom I wished I could just make the pain stop for both my children.
 

One night sitting by his hospital bed....Ryan wrote me a note...I treasure it...

I just wanna say that I don't know if I could've got through this whole thing without my mom here supporting me. Shes exhausted but doesn't want to leave in case something happens and I appreciate that more than anything. This whole thing has been the toughest but but also the most eye opening experience of my life and shes here with me every step of the way. Thank you  Mom  I love you more than anything in this world.

I can't tell you how much that meant to me. My son had grown into a man, he had pulled through something so terrifying and did it with such grace and dignity. He looked at me and said...." I know mom what does not kill us makes us stronger, that's what you always told me"

I keep telling myself  I am so close I can't give up now. I've had to give myself a lot of pep talks this past week. Last Tuesday night I ended up in the er again when I became ill...dizzy,uncontrollable chills and I almost passed out. Long story short...it is very easy to quickly become dehydrated when you have CKD. I haven't been able to eat very much because of  nausea that just won't quit. The doctors increased my nausea meds. but it only works for a short time and then it's back. We thought at first it was just a stomach virus but that doesn't seem to be the case. I have never cared for eggs very much but now an egg and dry toast is just about all I can handle without becoming ill. Sleep is a welcome escape and I am doing a lot of that. A nurse who trained in a dialysis unit told me that kidney patients are some of the strongest and most stubborn people ever. Well, I'm not feeling very strong right now...but I promise you this...I will not give up.Because things are moving along rather quickly now with a possible transplant by summer maybe June! I am still guarded by fear of disappointment. But I have to hold on to something right? I get so afraid sometimes and have decided to bite the bullet and ask my doctor for a little something to calm my nerves. I think I deserve at least to have peace of mind. Things change so quickly with this disease...hour to hour ...moment to moment. I never know what to expect when I wake up in the morning or how my day is going to end up. But I guess that could be said for anyone. That is life.

Good News....

I have to be at Vanderbilt for labs at 7 a.m. but I can't sleep. Yesterday was a flood of emotions. I woke up yesterday morning to a phone call from my cousin Joe. He left a voice message that said..'Zona...you have to call me ..call me now'!! I immediately called him back thinking something terrible had happened because he was crying. But they were tears of joy...We are a perfect match!! This could be the end of  a nightmare and the beginning of a new life! I think we talked no less than 5 times yesterday..I had to keep pinching myself and asking if this was really happening! I feel so very grateful and fortunate right now! Of course there are more tests to be done..but I have a good feeling this is the one. Next step is Vanderbilt is flying him in for a full day of tests within the next few weeks. If he passes...and we have no reason to believe he won't...then we will schedule the surgery! We always said we were more like brother and sister than cousins...and now in a way.. we really will be! To my family and friends..please say a prayer for us as we go through this journey. I will update our progress as we go along.

Joe and Me

 The bombings at the Boston Marathon really causes one to stop and reflect on what is most important in life.How fortunate we are to live in a country where we help one another and look out for our fellow man. Instead of running away in fear people ran toward the scene to pull others to safety! I was so moved by that. All those brave men and women jumping right in there to help.

We never know what life has in store for us or in what direction it takes us...be it illness or death...so make the best of every moment. I am holding on to hope for a brighter future for us all.

It is a beautiful spring day here in Tennessee! Warm and sunny...the grass has turned from brown to green. The dogwoods and daffodils are blooming and the birds are chirping outside my window! Something about springtime that gives one a sense of renewed hope! My husband made the comment that it has been the longest winter here that he could remember. And it has seemed that way. My pancreatities attack has finally diminished and am pain free today except for the edema in my feet and ankles. I thank God and relish days like this..as they don't come very often. I think back to when my children were very young...before the kidney disease ravaged my body....and how much energy and stamina I had! I could run circles around everyone. For the longest time it was so hard for me to admit that I needed to slow down and listen to my body. At least until I was forced to.

Nothing has happened with my cousin being tested to be my donor. He has been sick and has to have surgery. Although not a major surgery it has put our plans on hold. This is disappointing to say the least but I refuse to be upset this time. I will just push forward and hope for the best. I have learned it does me no good to worry and worry does not change the outcome of anything anyway. I am focused on the here and now and the glorious day I am having! Tomorrow...celebrating my beautiful daughter's birthday!

I have been thinking about my dad a lot today. In fact...I mourned for him all over again....even though he passed many years ago with the very same kidney disease I now suffer. I came across a documentary that was made around the same time as my dad's death. It is called Who Shall Live? It is about the rationing of dialysis treatment in the 60s and how the so called Death Panel chose whose life was worth saving and whose wasn't. Basically it came down to who could afford the $30,000 one had to pay to receive the treatment. It is hard to imagine this would ever happen today in this country...thank God everyone has access to this life saving machine . There was a part in the film when the interviewer asked a man about to be hooked up to a dialysis machine "what happened to the patients that were not chosen"? The man replied..."they're all dead"...I broke down and cried...my dad was one of them.

Me with my Dad a few weeks before his death.

I have not felt well all week and I seem to have slept more than usual, I am so tired. I believe the IV iron has worn off and I may be anemic again.I had 3 iron infusions last month which usually last a while... but not this time. I am also having another mild pancreatities attack. I recognize the symptoms as this is my 5th attack so far. The endoscopy I had revealed scarring on my pancreas due to my lasix.But of course.I.have to take them anyway. Usually I head straight to the er for my attacks but I am not going to this time. There is nothing they can do for me there that I can't do at home. Besides I know what to watch out for...the danger signs.Been down this road too many times.

According to Donate Life America website...

• More than 115,000 men, women and children currently need lifesaving organ transplants.
• Every 10 minutes another name is added to the national organ transplant waiting list.
• An average of 18 people die each day from the lack of available organs for transplant.
• In 2011, there were 8,127 deceased organ donors and 6,017 living organ donors resulting in 28,535 organ transplants.

I am feeling terrible tonight...So I was trying to think of  an analogy to explain what it feels like to be a part of the statistics. This is what I came up with....you are being held hostage by your illness...you are with 115,000 other hostages...all waiting in a line...sick and scared everyday not knowing if you will live or die...and every single day an 'executioner' comes by and randomly kills 18 of you...he does not discriminate...it does not matter how old or how young you are..and everyday you see more and more hostages taking their place in line...Some get lucky and are set free and you rejoice and are happy for them because somehow it gives you hope that maybe just maybe your day will come too.

It takes great STRENGTH and COURAGE to live with Chronic Kidney Failure. I have never considered myself  weak but this is testing my ability. I woke up in the middle of the night and realized I had slept a good part of an entire day. I was so exhausted I literally could not move to even turn myself over in bed and now all the fluid that was in my feet and legs are in my chest and lungs making it hard to breathe. This disease is  relentless...you never get a break from it...there are never completely symptom free days. I wish I could just put it away and forget about it for a day or two.

I am wondering what it would be like to get THE CALL...every time my phone rings I think maybe this is the one. It has been over three years now since I was put on the list for a kidney from a deceased donor...but then again I don't want someone else to die just so I can live. So I no longer pray for the phone to ring. I hope and pray for a living donor...

I woke up with the worst nausea...and I am itching!! No doubt it's the toxins making me so miserable.Even my eyeballs are itching! Thank God I have my anti-nausea pills on hand...I can stand just about anything except for feeling like I am going to throw up.I fell asleep last night without putting the dishes from dinner in the dishwasher and walking into the kitchen I almost lost it..just the look of dried food on the dishes..

I am so fortunate to have a good support system through all this. I honestly don't know how somehow could  do it alone..because it is a hard road to travel by yourself. I have found there is a whole community of people out there going through kidney failure willing to share their experiences... offer advice,prayer or just to listen. I wish I had found them sooner...I can't tell you how much it helps to know that I can reach out to someone who knows what it feels like to have kidney failure. There are things you should NOT say to a kidney patient....as well meaning as they are...1."You need to drink a lot of water"...(Why? Do you want to watch me drown in my own fluids?)2."Cranberry juice will cure that"...(Cranberry juice is helpful if you have a kidney infection NOT KIDNEY FAILURE..two different things")...3."You just need to pray harder...have more faith"..(I pray constantly. and my faith is what gets me through the tough days.) You can try to explain it to the people closest to you but unless they have experienced it themselves they can't truly know. I appreciate everyone I have met along the way and pray for them everyday.

I had mentioned before my cousin Joe is being tested to be a donor for me. I keep having these feelings of paranoia that he will back out! I have had that happen before with potential donors so it's understandable to feel apprehensive . But he put my mind at ease yesterday when I asked him if he had any hesitation. He said "are you kidding me?...we have been through too much together....I am not backing out"! We are hoping for surgery in the summer if it works out...

What the Bible says About Organ Doantion...

Genesis 2:21-23 

So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. And the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man. Then the man said, “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.”

John 15:12-13 

“This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.

So I'm not crazy afterall...

It gets worse at night...the weird feelings in my head. I feel dizzy. I see things out of the corner of my eye and when I turn to look... nothings there. Or often I will blurt out something in my sleep and it wakes me up as well as my husband..My thought process is slow and I feel as though I am having a panic attack. I came across this article and now I understand why I am having these feelings..I think this has a lot to do with my insomnia as well. I feel so restless at night and even when I do fall asleep I only stay asleep for 2 to 3 hours.

THE EFFECT OF KIDNEY FAILURE ON THE BRAIN
Uremia
Kidneys normally remove extra water and wastes from your blood. If they fail, blood levels of urea increase. Urea is toxic to the body and can affect all the major organs including the brain. Symptoms usually only appear when kidney function falls to less than 10 percent of normal. It precedes uremic coma and causes disorders of memory, thinking, speech, perception, emotions and other neurological manifestations.

I experienced this in the hospital when my BUN level reached 105. I actually thought the nurse had put something bad in my IV! She explained to me that my BUN was too high. Right now I am sitting at about 85  to 90. At least I am aware of this and what is going on...but it is such a scary feeling..I want to feel better so bad. Just one day of freedom from all this sickness would be wonderful...

I ventured out yesterday...I usually don't drive anymore but I desperately wanted to get out of the house even if for a little while. So I drove myself to the grocery store. What a sight I must have been getting out of the car and slowing making my way across the parking lot. I often wonder if people assume I must be drunk by the way I stumble around at times.I was looking at a display of sale items  when I... without looking... grabbed the nearest buggy and made my way through the store. I heard a lady yell " EXCUSE ME where are you taking my buggy!" I quickly explained I wasn't looking and how sorry I was and ohhh... I was sooo embarresed! She snatched it away and just looked at me as if I was trying to steal it! LOL!

My sister in-law....

My sister in-law teaching my Grandaughter to walk...

My sister in-law came down from Pennsylvania to visit this week....we don't see each other often and I have enjoyed her being here so much. I love to have people visit...it's takes my mind away from being sick even if it is for just a little while. In the morning...we will say tearful goodbyes and my husband will take her to the airport to fly home. She has been one of my biggest cheerleaders and supporters in my journey and  I often wish we lived closer to each other. Everyone has gone to bed and I am sitting here listening to the rain and my mind is wandering...why do people put off telling their friends and family how much they are loved and cared for? I always end a conversation with "I Love You". I say it to my husband and children several times a day EVERYDAY... It's so important to never leave words and feelings unspoken because none of  us truly know when God will call us Home. I am also wandering as I do a lot these days....if this is going to be the last time I see my sister in-law. I know it's a morbid thought but I can't help wandering...I will try to push that thought out of mind and dream of the day when after my transplant I can visit her and we will  take our grandchildren  to the beach. But for now...I love you Squeen! Thank you for being there and sharing my story and rallying to find a donor. You are more than a sister in-law.... you are my sister.

Everything went well with the endoscopy yesterday,but they found that my pancreas is scarred from the pancreatities attacks I have been having. They think it is due to the amount of lasix I have to take. The GI doctor is consulting with my Nephrologist to determine the next step. Possibly...it is time to start  dialysis since I cannot stop or cut back on the lasix. I had sort of a rough day and slept all day after the procedure. The anesthesia made me very sick to my stomach. Speaking of that...I  find myself wondering what it would be like to feel normal again with just the aches and pains that come with getting older. and free from the pain of chronic illness or kidney failure. I can't remember...

I also need to allow myself to feel at least a little excited about my cousin being tested to donate his kidney to me.I have learned not to get my hopes up and just because someone is being tested does not mean I have a donor... but I know this is something he absolutely wants to do.... and he has moved forward with the testing. He is very excited and keeps telling me "this is going to work out". He is also gathering all the information he can about living kidney donation and last night said to me..he could not understand why people are so hesitant about the whole thing  knowing what he knows now. I told him because of his decision there could be one person less on the list and he said..." I wish I could take EVERYONE off that list" ....that's why I love him so much...he gets it ...he understands.