chiari angel

chiari angel

Monday, May 12, 2014

Mom..what did I do to deserve this?

What happened next after that fateful day that Ryan passed is surreal. I have moments of clarity but it felt as though I was watching a story unfold that was not my own. In my mind I couldn't grasp the meaning of brain dead. I remember my family and friends being there and the support they gave me but everything was happening so fast and I didn't understand.

I remember the flurry of activity in the room. My son being on life support. The smell of disinfectant.The sound of the machines. The doctor who was called in pacing back and forth wringing his hands. He told me Ryan's doctor was very sorry for our loss but was ashamed or embarrassed to come in. He performed all the tests on Ryan to confirm brain death. He shot ice cold water in Ryan's ears to hopefully illicit some sort of responce. Very painful I'm told. But Ryan never even winced. He manipulated his eyeballs but Ryan didn't flinch. It was traumatizing to watch because Ryan's eyes were open and fixed. Oh's so hard to see your child like this! I've lost family members before and held the hand of  loved ones dying  but nothing compares to this! Nothing prepares you for watching your child suffer and die. Weeks earlier Ryan told me and his doctors he felt like he was dying. They scoffed at us telling us he needed pychcological help. After his doctors told him that he cried out to me and God asking 'what did I do to deserve this? I always tried to be a good person why don't they believe me!? I reassured him over and over this was not his fault but the fault of arrogant doctors. I promised him we were not giving up. I hate the fact these doctors made my child feel this way! I struggle now with anxiety and anger over it . I remember my sister leading me into the chapel where we fell on our knees  begging God for help. But there was no devine intervention to come. God had plans already set in motion for my son.

Tennessee Organ Donor Service was called in and my daughter and I were led into a private room. A sweet lady hugged us tight and offered her condolences. She handed us papers that contained my son's wishes. 'Ryan Andrew McGee All Usable Organs And  Tissue To Be Donated'. 'Your son is a hero ' she said with tears in her eyes. I looked and saw Ryan's signature at the bottom of the page. The sweet lady said 'we know you desperately need a kidney and your son would be a perfect match'. We were stunned. My daughter turned to me and said' please mom this...Ryan wanted it  ...please mom...I've lost my baby brother and I may lose my dad..I can't lose you too!' This sealed my decision to recieve my son's kidney.

But daughter and I had one more heartbreaking thing to do...we had to go to my husbands room in the hospital where he was still very ill and tell him his son had passed.

To be continued....


  1. I can only imagine how hard it is to relive this time and share with others with hopes that no one else experiences this kind of treatment. I think Ryan is so proud of you for sharing and Raising Awareness. I believe his spirit is with you and always will be. May God Bless You Zona <3

  2. I still cry for you and your family. You will always have my support, prayers and love.