Saturday, January 9, 2016
The cold winter darkness has set in. It sits heavy on my heart and deep in my bones. I sit up all night and sleep all day. I can't escape reality. I want to but I can't. I dream of you Ryan. Brief sweet visits in my fitful sleep . Why do they have to end? In every beautiful dream you slip right through my hands. Your laughter fading away. I wake up shaking, my pillow soaked in tears. This life I am forced to live without my child is hell on earth. I scream, pound my fists it's not fair!! I fucking hate this so much!! I have held back so much pain so much emotion in order to pretend I am ok. I am not ok! I hurt, I have grown old before my time. I'm mad as hell! Why was my childs life cut short and I still live? You were right my son. You told me it was a cold cruel world. The wisdom of a young man on his deathbed fighting for his life. You endured too much coldness and cruelty in the end. Your life my child mattered and you are loved.
Every breath I take I take for you. 💔💔