chiari angel

chiari angel

Tuesday, February 2, 2016

Middle of the night thoughts of a grieving mother

Life is much less meaningful now. I don't know any other way to describe it.  Things I will never have the joy to experience because my only son was taken too soon, the what if's. The grandchildren I won't have. Would they have looked like him? I am left with longing and yearning for what could have been. It's not fair. But even more I grieve for what Ryan lost. At the ripe old age of 20 to be gone in the blink of an eye. The things he never had a chance to experience. I hurt so much for him. It feels like a punch in the gut.

My son was taken from me and my faith was destroyed.  My faith in the medical profession is now non existent . I fight for answers and accountability but the process is long and drawn out.
I struggle with day to day activities.  Just getting out of bed some days is difficult . But with everything in me I pull myself together and continue on this journey .
I will not let it destroy me because I am Ryan's voice now. It is up to me and Ryan's dad to get answers as to why our son is gone. Why were our pleas for help gone unanswered and dismissed? Why after decompression surgery was his brainstem even more compressed ? And so bad as to cause his braindeath?

You were a beautiful chubby cheeked happy baby. Your Dad nicknamed you 'butter bean'.  You had the biggest and bluest eyes that captivated everyone around you. You were and still are loved so very much. You grew into a gorgeous young man. Broad shoulders. Dark mop of hair that somehow always managed to fall over your eyes. You had a shy smile and you turned heads when you walked into a room. Gentle,kind and respectful of others. I am so blessed to have known you my son. To be your mother was a gift. You had a great sense of humor and made us laugh at your silly voices and dance moves. Oh my, how you had us rolling in laughter. We haven’t laughed like that since you left us . The light of our life. I know you are watching over us now. Your light is infinite. And so is our bond.
Mom,Dad,Sissy,Glen,Hunter,Grayson and Hailey

I have grown old. The lines on my face tell a story. A sad story of pain and grief. Seeing my only son die right in front of me.  I have grown old. The dark hollows underneath my eyes are from sleepless nights and many tears. I have grown old yes, but I have also grown strong. I have seen the worst and experienced the unfathomable. What else is there to fear? Certainly not death.  I am now fearless. I am a grieving mother.