chiari angel

chiari angel

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Somewhere in this world Ryan's organs are helping someone live a full and healthy life. His heart is beating in someones chest. His lungs are breathing life into someone who couldn't breath before without a struggle. His right kidney is filtering toxins out of someones body. His left kidney is doing the same in my body. Thanks to my son's gift I am healthier  than I have been in years. His pancreas and liver saved two other lives as well. Because of Ryan's gifts of life I have found some peace..even if it is just a little. I still grieve..I still hurt... I still want him here.. but at least I have the comfort of knowing a piece of my son  lives on. Fulfilling someones dreams even if not his own. I wonder if they know the pain he endured in his last days and what a special and kind person he was. The sacrifice he made. If I could speak to them I would say... live life and enjoy every moment....take special care in the gift you have been given....don't take anything for granted....his life had meaning and purpose. Ryan would be happy to know he was able to help someone else. That is what he did in this life as well as the afterlife. My son my Hero...I had 20 precious years with the privilege of being his mom. He was the greatest young man I had ever known.

Saturday, October 12, 2013

To Remember Me - I will live forever
Robert N. Test
The day will come when my body will lie upon a white sheet neatly tucked under four corners of a mattress located in a hospital; busily occupied with the living and the dying. At a certain moment a doctor will determine that my brain has ceased to function and that, for all intents and purposes, my life has stopped. 
When that happens, do not attempt to instill artificial life into my body by the use of a machine. And don't call this my deathbed. Let it be called the bed of life, and let my body be taken from it to help others lead fuller lives. 
    Give my sight to the man who has never seen a sunrise, a baby's face or love in the eyes of a woman. Give my heart to a person whose own heart has caused nothing but endless days of pain.
    Give my blood to the teenager who was pulled from the wreckage of his car, so that he might live to see his grandchildren play.
    Give my kidneys to the one who depends on a machine to exist from week to week.
    Take my bones, every muscle, every fiber and nerve in my body and find a way to make a crippled child walk.
    Explore every corner of my brain.
    Take my cells, if necessary, and let them grow so that, someday a speechless boy will shout at the crack of a bat and a deaf girl will hear the sound of rain agianst her window.
    Burn what is left of me and scatter the ashes to the winds to help the flowers grow.
    If you must bury something, let it be my faults, my weakness and all prejudice against my fellow man.
    Give my sins to the devil.
    Give my soul to God.
If, by chance, you wish to remember me, do it with a kind deed or word to someone who needs you. If you do all I have asked, I will live forever. 
Robert N. Test

Friday, October 11, 2013


The pain comes in is always with me but the intensity ebbs and flows like the ocean. A song I hear or a face in the crowd that even remotely resembles my son and I am again stricken by unbearable grief. I am forever life will always consist of before Ryan's death and after Ryan's death.Losing a child is the worst possible hell one can go through.

On my mantel there is a Photo of Ryan...His donate Life hat...Two Silk Butterflies from his funeral...A Plate that says 'I Love You Mom' that he made me in 1st grade and a Box filled with his ashes. Inside me I carry  the kidney he donated to me in his death. These things besides my memories are all I have left of my precious boy. People have been so kind and have comforted me in my pain. I know Ryan is grateful for that because right before he died he asked me a million times if I was going to be okay. It was as if he wanted permission to let go of his pain and suffering. So for Ryan.. my daughter and husband and grandchildren I have to be okay.

But how do I do that? Someone tell me. There is no magic wand and time will not heal. The only thing more heartbreaking than seeing your child suffer is watching them die.

We are connected,
My child and I, by
An invisible cord
Not seen by the eye.

It's not like the cord
That connects us 'til birth
This cord can't been seen
By any on Earth.

This cord does it's work
Right from the start.
It binds us together
Attached to my heart.

I know that it's there
Though no one can see
The invisible cord
From my child to me.

The strength of this cord
Is hard to describe.
It can't be destroyed
It can't be denied.

It's stronger than any cord
Man could create
It withstands the test
Can hold any weight.

And though you are gone,
Though you're not here with me,
The cord is still there
But no one can see.

It pulls at my heart
I am bruised...I am sore,
But this cord is my lifeline
As never before.

I am thankful that God
Connects us this way
A mother and child
Death can't take it away!