The Cancer..

I don't even know where to begin with this post. Life is so unpredictable. I have stage 4 non small cell lung cancer and have been receiving chemo treatments for several months. My oncologist says I will need maintenance chemo for the rest of my life. The hope is the tumor will shrink. It has already and I am trying to stay positive it will even more. I'm not even going to say how awful chemo is except it is pure hell on the body. My biggest concern is the kidney Ryan gave to me . Thank God it has not been negatively affected by the treatments. I couldn't deal with that possibility.

Everyone says I'm so strong. I'm really not. I feel like my life is not my own. It feels like I'm watching someone else's sad life unfold. My husband and daughter could possibly have to endure another loss. I assure you I'm not giving up. I have days that I do feel I can beat this. Especially since I'm still fighting for Justice in Ryan's death. I have much to accomplish. yet.

It will the three years on August 11th that Ryan was taken from us. It still feels raw , not real. I still feel like I will wake up from this nightmare and he will be here by my side. It was all a dream I tell myself in those moments between half awake and half asleep.

I met a fellow grieving mom a while back. Her beautiful brave son Jared was diagnosed with Chiari a year ago. Sadly he lost his battle just three months later. Much the same way as Ryan. His very brave mom Tina and I have become best friends and sisters. She has been a God send in my life. We believe it was our sons who brought us together. One thing Ryan's death taught me was not to wait to do the things you want to do. No one knows what tomorrow will bring. Tina and I have so much in common and I know our son's would be happy we met. We get together often,cry together and lift each other up.

Tina and I danced in the rain after my cancer diagnosis