chiari angel

chiari angel

Friday, May 2, 2014

Broken but still standing....

Almost nine months has passed since my world came crashing in on me. My perspective of the world has changed dramatically. Our happy little world can change in the blink of an eye. I want everyone to know we were just like any other family.  Things that I once thought could never possibly happen to me or my family did happen and happened all at the same time. How much can one person take before they break? I am broken but still standing.

I told myself I was going to be completely honest in this post about the events that took place during those three horrible months last summer. Sort of a trial run for the book I want to write. I want others who are experiencing loss and heartache,pain and suffering to read it and be blessed in some way by my famly's experience. It started on May 12th 2013 when our son was diagnosed with Chiari Malformation at the age of 19. My husband was trying  to hold our business and livlihood together while our son Ryan was ill and I was literaly dying from kidney failure. After Ryan's brain surgery he was finally able to come home after being in ICU for nearly four weeks. But he quickly became very sick and started having seizures. He suffered neurological damage and became totally dependant on us for even his most basic needs. We watched our son go from a healthy happy young man to a shell of his former self. He could not even walk a few feet without collasping into a seizure. It was exhausting for his frail body

I don't know or understand to this day how I made it through the pain of my kidney failure while never leaving Ryan's side. Going on no sleep barely remembering to take my medicine. But a mothers strength is powerful and I would have walked through fire to be with my son.It was as if I were outside my body looking in. Something deep inside me took over. Love for my child.

Unfortunatly my husband was having a harder time. He became increasingly depressed. I was busy caring for Ryan and was blind to my husband's downward spiral. And in all honestly the health of our son was the only thing on my mind. I love my husband dearly and never expected the worst to happen. I trusted him. But despite this after watching our son suffer...the doctors pushing us away and ignoring husband snapped.

Ryan was back in the hospital...the last two weeks of his life. August 1st, 2013. I stepped out of Ryan's room and called my husband . It was nearly noon and he was late showing up at the hospital. He promised us he would be he was not answering his phone. I called at least twenty times ...he finally picked up. He said 'please don't cry will be okay'. Then he hung up. I called my daughter and told her something was wrong... come get me ...we need to check on dad! By the time we arrived it was too late. He had already tried to commit suicide in the most graphic violent way possible. I walked into our home my daughter behind me. I saw him on the floor in a pool of blood his body lifeless. I turned around pushing our daughter out the door so she wouldn't see the horror... but she saw anyway. All I can remember is screaming and feeling like I wanted to pass out. I had already called my brother on the way to my house and thank God  he was right behind us. He saved my husbands life by stopping the bleeding until the ambulance came. This started weeks and weeks of my husband  being in the hospital and away from us and missing his sons funeral. But he too was ill and I had to accept it and let go for the time being. I had already braced myself that he might get his wish to  die and was angry that he wanted to die. I said aloud are fighting to die and our son is fighting to dare you! In fact Ryan was dying and no one in the medical community would help us. I had to be with our son. I went back to Ryan's bedside and pretended that Dad was at work and was just fine. Ryan never knew what his dad had done.I am at least thankful for that.

That night back at the hospital...I pulled my cot as close to Ryan's bed as I possibly could. I put my arm around him and wished I could crawl in bed with him and hold him closer. He was drifting in and out but in terrible pain. Nothing they gave him would touch the amount of pain he was in. Oblivious to the fact that his dad was in surgery and the doctors were trying to repair the self inflicted damage he had done on his throat,heart and abdomen... Ryan began mumbling in a low voice. I asked him who he was talking to. He replied...'I'm talking to dad..he's here '. I said 'oh that's right honey..he is here'. At that moment I felt my husband was no longer with us. He did survive ..but just barely and there were more close calls to come.

To be continued....

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