chiari angel

chiari angel

Monday, November 5, 2012

Laughter and tears...

Wow! What an emotional week it has been! It really hit me yesterday when I broke down and just could not stop crying. I was going about my day as best as I could with the very limited energy I have. A short trip to the grocery store for the chicken I had planned for dinner and I knew I would have to come home and lie down for a while . Even the smallest tasks are just too exhausting these days . Sitting in my car in the store parking lot the emotions I  felt during the past week came pouring out. Just out of nowhere. I can't explain why or what triggered the tears. I think it is probably normal to go through all these emotions. So I just embraced it and let myself go with it. I guess some people would call it "wallowing  in self pity" but that was not it at all. I was not feeling sorry for myself..I was finally mourning the loss of the person I was years ago before this illness took over my body.My doctor jokes with me that I could give her lecture on kidney disease because I have been through so much. I have learned that   I am stronger and more resilient that I ever thought I could be.My body may be broken but my spirit is strong. And I also have realized that I  deserve to be healthy and happy. I always worry about the people around me and not so much myself . I know that part of me will not change. It is just who I am. If  someone around me is upset than I am upset too. My mother used to tell me that I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders and I guess that to be true. Because I also cried yesterday for the thousands of people who are still waiting for a chance to live a normal healthy life. I recently read an article that said last year alone 4,720 people died waiting for a kidney transplant. I am so thankful for my donor and my chance to get my transplant. I just cannot express enough how grateful I am to her for never giving up even when she was told we were not a match.Thinking of her and the gift she is giving me made me cry even more.. Sitting at dinner last night with my family and feeding my grand-daughter my mac and cheese for the first time I was hit with another emotion. Happiness and joy! In the movie Steel Magnolias there is a line where Dolly Parton says..."Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion". That is my favorite as well. That is how you know you are truly alive.

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