The What If's...

I had a pretty good day yesterday. Except for the puffy feet,ankles and face I was able to make it through the day without too much complaining. Granted.....I sat around all day and napped here and there. But as the evening set in and the sun went down..I got what I call the "what if's". What if I start dialysis and it doesn't work? What if I don't get the transplant in time? What if  this kills me? My dear husband says I get what they call sundowner..that's when someone with a chronic illness gets more distressed as the sun goes down. For the most part I try to stay as positive as possible ...and one of the reason's I started this blog is to have a place to vent ...say what's on my mind and help other's understand what a patient with kidney failure goes through. Only my husband ...son and daughter know what I endure every single day. Often when other family members ask me how I'm doing...I try to answer truthfully...but I get that blank stare or they will quickly change the subject . I understand they probably feel useless to help me. But...that is not true! Sometimes...all I need is a hug....just sit with me and let me talk through my fear and what if's...let me cry...pray with me...tell me I will make it through this! I am afraid of the pain I know is coming..that is the first time I have admitted that....the pain of dialysis needles...the effect it will have on my body...is it going to be worse than what I am feeling now? What if?...This disease has robbed me of so much. I want to take trips with my grandchildren,take them to the park and slide down the slide with my grandaughter....take my grandsons to the beach. I want to live! I am not ready Lord.